I Found My Inner Wonder Woman

We finished off 2017 with a trip to Asheville, NC and while there we stumbled upon this awesome Wonder Woman mural. I couldn’t possibly think of a better mural to represent how this year has felt.

I began this year by marching alongside my sisters in the Women’s March. All across the world we raised our voices in solidarity for equality, love, and acceptance. We stood together and declared our resistance to racism, misogyny, ablism, dehumanization, capitalist exploitation, Islamophobia, and HATE of any kind. We shared our dreams of existing in a world that loves like a woman.

I continued marching my way through 2017 by traveling to India for five weeks despite the pouring in of comments like, “Is your husband going with you?!”, “But how will you be safe?”, “I can’t believe he’s letting you go by yourself”, etc. And while there, I met my yoga family; a group of beautifully STRONG and vibrant women (and Jashu 😉) from all over the world. I will be forever grateful to 2017 for blessing me with a global support system.

After having gathered the tools needed while in India, I began law school. And I have to say, what better year to start a journey towards becoming a human rights lawyer than 2017, when Donald Trump became president. Motivation is not lacking and I see the same drive happening in women all around me. I’ve met women with likeminded goals; raising their voices to protect our environment, to defend the rights of all, and to advocate for a just and equitable society. I’ve also met women that are connecting to their innate ability to love and to be soft, that are changing the world by raising open minded children, and are connecting to their spiritual selves. Our world needs all of these women because through them we can begin to heal.

2017 was ultimately a year of action; of making dreams become reality. I was a world traveler, a yoga teacher, a law student but most importantly, I was a woman. I felt and answered the call to rise up and lend my voice as a believer in the power of love. I found my inner Wonder Woman. Today I celebrate her, all the mothers and sisters of the world, and every person that has stood with us. If we keep choosing love, goodness will prevail.

Happy New Year, friends! May the coming year be blessed with love, good fortune, and opportunities to grow. Namaste. 🙏🏽

Dancing in the Dark

This is gonna sound weird but Mondays are usually my favorite day of the week. Mondays feel like starting over; a fresh start to try again at all that felt hard last week. Mondays bring endless possibilities and that always feels exciting. Today feels even more exciting because for the first time in weeks I woke up feeling ready and able to attack the next two weeks (exam prep and actual exams are happening NOW). But today doesn’t just feel like a fresh start to a new week; it feels like coming home.

I am the biggest advocate of living a life of our own choosing but I think it’s also important to acknowledge that sometimes (a lot of the time) those choices completely uproot us and spiral us all the way out of our comfort zones. I’ve been dancing in that space since August and I’ve been dancing in the dark this November. It is easy to lose sight of who you are and where you’re headed when you’re floating in the unknown.

But last night, while partaking in some self care, I found myself pondering the sweet words my brother wrote to me in a card he gave me this weekend (he knew I was having a hard time and needed a little encouragement). In the card he wrote:

“…if it were easy, everyone would do it…You’ve proven time and time again there is nothing that can stand in your way when you decide you want something”.

And in that moment, I remembered. I remembered how badly I want this; how much I believe in myself and how far I’ve already come. I remembered that in times of uncertainty, we just have to take the time to remember all that we are.

So I broke out my journal and starting reading. One passage in particular stood out to me. I wrote:

“This is my calling. Law school is my dream. I will make it so by believing in love and aspiring to do better. Yoga is my tool”.

I will make it so. And, action conquers fear. Manifestation without action is nothing. And so, I remembered I will succeed first because I know I can and will put in the work to see this through; and secondly because I trust that Universe is conspiring to help me. I know that this dream is much bigger than me so I’ve decided that I can handle whatever it throws my way.

If you’ve also been dancing in the dark this holiday season or have been feeling intimidated by the uncomfortable path leading the way to your goals, I hope this will serve as a reminder to take the time to remember all that you are, in whatever way that works for YOU. It always gets better. I promise.

“Stop acting so small, you are the Universe in ecstatic motion”. -Rumi

Thank you, my brother, for serving as my reminder when I needed it most.

Namaste, my loves.

Happy Eye-versary To Me

Yesterday marked the twelve year anniversary of the accident that led to the removal of my left eye. Or as I like to call it, my “eye-versary” but yesterday didn’t feel as celebratory as it usually does.

I’ve been wearing an ill fitting prosthetic eye for more than two years now. My eyelids are drooping worse than ever and this prosthetic has a habit of randomly flipping upside down at any given moment. While this can be somewhat amusing (especially to my husband who is now so used to it, he nonchalantly says “hold still” as he flips my eye back around for me with a half hearted laugh), it has also gotten increasingly frustrating.

I’ve had four new prosthetics made over the course of a year, each failing to be a success for varying reasons relating to sizing and color issues. One was even cracked in several places when I got the “finished” product in the mail. Because, apparently that is an appropriate format in which to receive an important piece of medical equipment. *Insert eye roll*, *insert eye flipping upside down because of eye roll*, *insert husband fixing eye back into correct position*. 

Aside from my roly poly prosthetic adventures, I have severe allergies in my left eye. Not only am I insanely allergic to all preservatives in any sort of eye product (eye drops, eye washes, solutions, etc.), I have chronic giant papillary conjunctivitis (severe general eye allergies resulting in inflamed bumps on my inner eyelid) which my body has an autoimmune response to, causing more of an allergic reaction…and you can see where I’m going here. One long, never ending, vicious cycle of hell is occurring within my eye socket.

Long story short: I’m uncomfortable, a lot. It’s feels as if I’ve tried every medical intervention under the sun to no prevail. Hope has become scarce and I’ve recently contemplated foregoing wearing a prosthetic altogether. I feel more comfortable and confident without it.

Now, with all of that being said I can get to the actual point of this post:

A few months ago I was going through a rough few days of waking up to my eye being swollen closed and feeling generally frustrated and defeated. To put it loosely, sometimes this one eyed thing sucks. But one day as I was walking to a yoga class I passed by a homeless man and as I made eye contact and flashed him a smile he said, “oooo girl, I like your eyes!“. His genuineness took me aback and I thanked him because in that quick moment, I believed his words were truly intended to be a compliment.

As I walked on and self-doubt began to set in, I started to ponder if he was being kind or making fun of me. How could he possibly of meant it? I knew my eye was puffy and irritated and must look weird. Amidst my internal dialogue, it occurred to me that perhaps this situation was a sign. There I was, so unbelieving that a complete stranger could compliment my eyes and mean it. I had let self-doubt take the lead in response to my (valid) frustration towards my eye situation. But here was my gentle, loving reminder from the Universe: as important as it is to be open to feelings of frustration during times my body is seemingly working against me, it is equally important to like and love these parts of my body.

My sweet message from the Universe was exactly what I needed. But it also had me contemplating the ways in which the Universe, or God, or whatever higher power resonates with you, speaks to us. Because I truly believe that they do especially when we need it the most. I needed it then and I need it now more than ever. Twelve years ago, my life changed in a blink of an eye (literally). And twelve years later, I feel a bit hopeless towards the thought of having a comfortable quality of life. But ooooo do I like my eyes. They have one hell of a story and without that story I would not be half the woman I am today. Happy eye-versary to me.

Perspective is everything. Our mindsets matter. Choose yours wisely, friends.

P.S. I miss you all, dearly and I promise I’m still alive. Just chugging away at this law school thing, one day at time, all the while dreaming of fixing our corrupt and inadequate health care system so that stories like mine become less common.

It Is Okay To Not Be Okay

As a person that identifies with having a disability, I am often referring to my visual impairment (see my “About” section to learn more) but there is a huge part of my disability identity I have not addressed. I have struggled with mental health challenges my entire life but most seriously over the last three years. I have kept my struggles private and close to my heart, terrified to over-share in fear of the harsh judgments of others. However, I recently came to the realization that this fear was displaced; the only judgment I have to fear is my own. So why wasn’t I, the avid disability rights advocate, openly talking about my mental health struggles? Once faced with this question, I was able to really see how easy it is to get lost in society’s mental health stereotype, to believe that I was right to be ashamed.

But I have worked to replace my shame with loving, self-acceptance and my throat now burns with the desire to share this part of my story with you. Some of my earliest memories from childhood involve seemingly never ending, sleepless nights. I remember being absolutely terrified of bedtime, dreading the moment my parents would send me off to bed. I would desperately try to fall asleep before my parents went to bed knowing that if I didn’t, I would be up all night sick with anxiety, fending off panic attacks by sitting on the bathroom floor reading. I never confided in my parents about my sleepless nights because my irrational thought process, as a child, was that I would get in trouble for staying up reading. I also thought that this was all “normal” since it was all I’d ever known. My mom would even tell me stories about how I didn’t sleep much as a baby so I thought, “This is just the way I am”. It wasn’t until years later during my senior year of college when I was finally diagnosed with nighttime anxiety, that I started to look back on these nights and realized that no, these memories were not “normal” childhood experiences.

My senior year, like everyone else’s, consisted of impending changes and unknowns piled on top of the extreme stress of a rigorous course load. My mental health took a rapid plummet over the course of that year. I began having panic attacks almost nightly, which resulted in my diagnosis and being put on Zoloft, a popular antidepressant. I took the drug for a month and absolutely hated it. Zoloft made me feel numb to everything but especially to life. I decided that in regards to my quality of life, I’d rather feel everything, even my anxiety, opposed to feeling nothing at all.

By the time I graduated, I had reached a state of mind that I can best describe as a mental health break. My mind was broken. The lack of sleep and abundance of panic attacks left me feeling a way I, as the most positive thinking, life loving gal around, never thought I would. I did not want to be alive anymore. I wanted nothing more than a way out; for it to all stop. I can vividly remember thinking about how I had always questioned how people knowingly admit themselves to a mental health clinic and coming to the conclusion that I then understood. I feared for my mind, for my health, and for my life.

Unknowing how to communicate what was happening with me and fearing my own judgment, I faced my demons alone for the majority of that year. I was supposed to have it all together. I was and always had been motivated, successful, and happy. I had this idea in my head of whom I was and whom everyone around me expected me to be. My high self-expectations and judgment were huge contributing factors to my own downfall. But I will always remember the moment in which I could no longer remain silent. It took place at my graduation party as my mom was hugging me goodbye. I said three, little but freeing words to her, “I’m not okay” and broke down in tears while she held me. I know she immediately understood the true extent of what I was trying to communicate to her. Being the Wonder Woman that my mother is, she encouraged me to finally share my story with her and to begin my pathway towards recovery. And in doing so, she helped me to learn one of  life’s most valuable lessons; it is okay, to not be okay.

At that point in my life, I had been practicing yoga for a few years so I sought out a yoga therapist in hopes of finding healing. My therapist designed a forty-day Kundalini yoga and meditation practice that specifically addressed my unique challenges. I can honestly and wholeheartedly say this experience changed my life. I was finally able to start understanding my mental health as a disability and the most beautiful part of that process was awakening to the fact that I could get better. There was a hope for relief and that changed everything. Yoga changed everything. Through yoga and meditation, I became aware of my own inner power and how to use it as a tool to keep my anxiety in check.

A huge part of my journey was and still is, understanding that I cannot cure myself of my anxiety; it is not ever going to go away. Anxiety is an irrational, illogical disease and it arises at the most inopportune times. But knowing and more importantly, accepting this allows me the space to use my own inner power to cope. That being said, I by no means have this whole thing figured out. I’m still learning everyday how to thrive while living with anxiety. My yoga and meditation practice have taught me everything that I know.

Having finally written my story, I feel a beautiful lightness. And this lightness brings me back to the original question, “why has it taken me, the avid disability rights advocate, so long to share my mental health story?”. While there is absolutely no shame in the decision to share or to not share any personal story, there is also no shame in facing mental health challenges. I have strongly advocated the need to normalize mental health issues and for them to be included under the disability rights umbrella. And yet, I still had to overcome the shame associated with having anxiety. I believe this directly corresponds with the deeply rooted stigma surrounding mental health and upon realizing this; I am called to action.

So please, read my story with compassion and share it with others. And in turn, I want to hear your own stories. I encourage you to reach out either through comments, emails, or private messages; I want nothing more than to hear your voice. Let’s have a conversation and let’s lift one another up. I am not the only one faced with mental illness and the stigmas that come with it. I am not alone. You are not alone. We are all in this together and I think it is now more important than ever to share our stories of struggle with one another in an effort to celebrate our connectedness as humans. And remember, it is okay to not be okay.

I am here for you.

 

 

 

Love Is Nothing If Not Liberating

I met my now husband, Timmy when we were eleven years old. We were in Mrs. Kratt’s fifth grade class together. He was super “uncool” and wore high water jeans, wire rimmed glasses, and was unusually talented at math. I was somehow deemed to be “cooler”, mostly because my best friend was the cool chick. Despite the differences in our fifth grade social rankings, we let Timmy sit with us at lunch because his parents hooked him up with the goods necessary for great food swapping: Little Debbie cakes, pudding, etc. A friendship quickly blossomed and by the time we were thirteen we had fallen in love.

I can assure you our story was not always smooth sailing. There were break ups (okay, quite a few), messy arguments, and momentarily broken hearts. But by the time we were eighteen, we had experienced and triumphed great loss together. I endured a traumatic accident at the age of twelve that resulted in a year of surgeries, chronic pain, and the eventual loss of my left eye. Timmy was there, by my side, every step of the way. When we were seventeen, my parents got divorced. We both consequently lost what we had known to be as our family. My family was my foundation and I was forced to rebuild myself as I was headed to college. I lost everything except for him.

I truly believe it was these unique experiences that allowed our roots to grow and intertwine together until we became inseparable. We had the opportunity to see each other’s authentic souls at such a young age. He saw my resiliency and strength and I saw his compassion and patience. We grew individually and together from young children into adults and at some point we made a conscious choice to do this crazy life together. I never felt there was any other option than to love this man wholeheartedly and fiercely. It has always felt like the most natural thing in the world to do.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” -Louis de Bernières

We got married on October 17th, 2015 in our favorite place in the world, the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was the most magical weekend of my life celebrating our love and enjoying the company of all our most cherished people in one place. We couldn’t have asked for more. Of course, there were people in our lives advising us that we were making the wrong call by getting married so young (we were twenty-two). They assumed our individualistic lives would be over; that we would no longer be able to engage in solo growth.

I can clearly remember the moment when I realized that many of their fears were founded on the idea that after marriage, children come. I remember thinking, “Holy shit! I get it now!” and then I quickly established with Timmy this would not be our reality. We are young. We both have big dreams to live out first and we want to travel. We have no desire to have children or to even have that conversation for many, many years. This was the first of countless incidents in which we faced the societal standards of what marriage is “supposed” to be. We decided then to dismiss social constructions in order to define our marriage by our own ideals and no one else’s.

Together, we determined that one of those ideals is valuing and encouraging the continuance of individual growth. We both agree that we never want our marriage to hold either of us back from reaching our highest potential or achieving our dreams. I think this is the the most important thing to have in a partnership. It’s what led to me traveling solo to India for five weeks to get my yoga teacher certification in April.

Going to India alone was necessary and essential for my spiritual growth. I discovered so many new parts of myself; I found home within. But being back in Timmy’s arms reminds me of how much sturdier my roots are when intertwined with his. I thank him for allowing me to be free, for giving me the space to be my true, authentic self, and trusting that I’ll always come back to us.

I met my best friend, the love of my life, and my soul mate when I was eleven years old. And we eventually chose to become life partners. I’m here to say that there is hope in love. But love is nothing if not liberating. Find someone that sets you free. The world needs a lot more free, loving humans right now.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I have dreamt of creating this blog for some time now with the goal of creating a sacred space in which I can combine my seemingly opposing worlds. I am a newly certified yoga instructor heading to law school this fall. Saying that makes me feel like a little kid responding to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with “I want to be a veterinarian AND a singer”. Except I am twenty-four year old woman declaring that yes, you can be both; you can be anything that you want to be.

It was this mentality that finally gave me the courage to create Karmic Law; a web sphere through which I hope to build a community of individuals who share experiences openly and willingly. I believe in the power of loving, human connection as the foundation on which the societal change that is so desperately needed will be built upon. Our world feels a little daunting right now and our society seems to be longing for change. I feel it in my bones: the call to action. 

So here I am telling myself, “Yes, you can be a blogger. Yes, you can use the web/social media to merge your belief in love with your desire to create meaningful societal change. And yes, it is possible to exist in the political world while also being a practicing yogi”.

Embracing a yogic lifestyle has shown me strength found through vulnerability, beauty found through authenticity, and that all is possible through love. These are themes I intend to carry with me not just in my yoga practice (on my mat) but in everything that I do. I truly believe this is my pathway to success as it can be for all of us. Karmic Law will showcase these themes as I navigate my way through law school, travels, and life.

So I invite you to join me on this journey towards making our world a better place. Yes, I am aware that this all may sound cliché or idealistic. But I cannot deny my hopefulness. I truly believe that change is possible. We can start in small places with the gentle compassion of a truly genuine smile. In the loving gesture of a helping hand and in taking the time to talk with strangers; to get to know others that seem to be “different” than us in order to clearly see that we all share the same heart. And maybe within the process those small things will eventually add up.

I believe that small, meaningful changes with loving and compassionate intentions have the power to transform the world. It’s up to each and every one of us; the future is in our hands. So Karmic Law officially exists as one of my small yet sacred ways to spread a little positive energy with the world, using my voice as a tool to build human connections. More than anything I’d love to hear from all of you, as well!

Please send me your feedback, suggestions, and inquiries via comments, emails, etc. Let’s connect! You can find me on Facebook and Instagram and in any of my local yoga events. I’d love to see you in class or to book a private lesson. I want to hear your voice. 

Check out my, “About” section to learn more about me and my story.